gratitude

i just spent like, two hours talking to a friend from high school. and it occurred to me that i’m damn lucky to have had the opportunity to hook up with the number and variety of guys that i did in college, even considering the short time that i was single in college. brian with his somewhat compulsive tendencies, andrew with his extreme virginity, mark with… uh, well, being mark. mark should count for like, three people. i’m really glad that i wasn’t stuck here hooking up with essentially the same neuroses over and over again. diversity is wonderful.

i have some interviews upstate. maybe i’ll visit alli slash meet her for the first time. and meet T1’s new girl. pray to the gods that she’s not a me-clone, like his first post-me girlfriend. the first time we talked, both of us said… wow, we’re.. um, so alike. it’s like we’re photocopies of each other… (nervous chuckle). then we never spoke again.

i’m trying to decide if i’m too tired to take my laptop upstairs to watch porn. i think i am. what a sad, sad day. good thing i have a good imagination.

holy hormones, batman

my boobs hurt. just puttin that out there.

so… i was driving around today and ”closer” by nine inch nails came on the radio. this song has been a favorite for a little while. i know it’s super old news now, but hey, i like it anyway. it’s pretty awesome for weightlifting, because you stare at yourself in the mirror with your dumbbell in hand (a paltry 5 lbs in my case - but this is why i worked out around 2 AM), and you listen to this beautiful, sexy, eeeevil gravelly growl going, ”i wanna fuck you like an animal” (guitar guitar guitar) “i wanna feel you from the inside…” and then, what i love: “you - bring me closer to god.”

aggghmmmmmm. obscenely godly.

i almost forgot

my mom made me apply to a job from around here. this is all part of her secret plan to keep me chained to this suffocating place. i love home. but only when i’m away from it 80% of the year.

anyway, it’s a secretary job in a school district. i’m going to take a qualifying test tomorrow (i.e. am i literate?) it’d actually be pretty nice because the pay is good and it’s part-time, so i can go take classes in design software. also, i’m almost certain that i’m getting eye surgery in the next few months, and my extreme level of myopia means that it’s a more complicated procedure and needs up to three weeks of down time. so i can’t be running around the country.

what i find amusing is that i’m really excited to be working as a secretary here, where i don’t have to take a subway to work, because it means i can so dress the part. i rock the secretary look. about half of my workwear wardrobe consists of body-hugging pencil skirts, black tights (my favorite being the $8 fishnets with the seam running up the back of my legs), formfitting dress shirts, and 3″ high stiletto peeptoe pumps. a little belt around the waist to cinch things in and get towards that magical 0.7 ratio. and until i get that surgery, glasses. even though my ass is flabbier than i’d like, i’ve gotten enough looks during post-work shopping to know that i look damn fine in a pencil skirt.

so i’m sort of kind of looking forward to this. now to decide what to wear…

fyi, i’m someone’s angle. ANGLE.

here is a story about a boy named oliver.

once upon a time my younger brother was in a clarinet section with a boy named oliver. i was introduced to this kid when he was in middle school and i was in high school, and i attended the middle school’s orchestra recital.

oliver is tallish, skinny. not terribly bad-looking. but a fob. not a very fresh fob, but still a fob. he hung out with fobs. he spoke with a slight fob accent. he was nice, and i tried to be nice to him because he was my brother’s friend and because i felt sorry for him.

oliver and i were on the swim team together. we were in the same lane for a while when i was swimming backstroke as my event. we used to sit and wait for our events together, and cheer each other on at tournaments. before every meet he would down the contents of a small jar of fluid, which said in chinese “essence of chicken.”

4 a.m. ramble

it’s four a.m., and i need a cuddle.

when i wasn’t living in overheated dorms, in the winter i’d strip off my clothes (i sleep in my undies) in one movement and jump into bed, moving fast to avoid getting cold. except the bedding would still be cold, so then i’d wriggle around in place trying to burrow deeper into the mattress and get warm. when it was really cold my burrowings were accompanied by squirrelly noises, which sped up the warming process, obviously.

hm, i kind of blush to admit that, because it sounds like something an eight-year-old does before their goodnight kiss. note that when i use the past tense above, i mean months ago, not a decade ago. come to think of it, i wouldn’t mind a goodnight kiss right now. with tongue. and alcohol on their breath. and roving hands. and a good spanking to earn that kiss. rawrr…. wait, what is wrong with me?*